Feelin Alive


It’s late at night and the energy is high. 

The music is blaring and the lights are loud. 

My friends and I are dancing to the music not worried about the steps. 

I can feel the beat inside of me and I’m feeling alive. 

I could stay here all night. 

My favorite song is playing and I know every word. 

I’m screaming so loud. 

Does anyone hear me?

I feel free as a bird when the music is playing. 

I get lost in the beat. 

I’m feeling alive. 


My Musical Journey


Twenty years ago I fell in love with a song that some would say is a silly little kids song but, what most people don’t realize is that “MMMBop” by Hanson has a strong message: hold onto the ones who really care because they could be gone in an instant.

When I was a teenager, I was struggling with a feeling of emptiness and nothingness and was battling daily against worthlessness. I needed someone or something to tell me that life was worth living and that everything would be OK. I found that when I first saw the video for “MMMBop”. These teenagers were having so much fun playing and singing that I wanted what they had: happiness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had discovered the true meaning of MMMBop and Hanson’s music became something that I needed to hold onto.

As I started on this new musical journey I began to feel like I was worth something. My feelings of worthlessness and nothingness went away and I began to feel truly happy. I was able to finally be the person I longed to be. I quickly made friends with people in the community with whom I am still friends with today. I met my best friend through pen paling. I don’t remember the details but I must have seen something on Hanson’s website on the forums about people pen paling and decided to write a few of them. I started writing letters to people regularly and became very immersed in pen paling and the Hanson fan culture. I had pen pals from all over the world. We would send not only Hanson merchandise to each other that you couldn’t get from the country you were from but other culture related things such as food, clothes, and books. One day I got a friendship book made up of little pieces of paper that is sent through the mail from person to person. Everyone involved adds their address and a little something about themselves on each page. The friendship book I got was filled with Hanson fans so I knew I would be able to bond with any of them. I read through the pages and one that caught my eye was a girl from Pennsylvania. We seemed to have the most in common so I wrote her a letter and a week later, got a response. We instantly became friends and continued to write letters for several years until I traveled to Pennsylvania and we met in person. We have always dreamed of going to a Hanson concert together but it hasn’t happened yet.

Hanson’s music is almost like my religion. Their music is a part of me. It’s something I need to survive and something that has helped shape my life and the person I am today. Each of their albums represents a different period in time for me. Middle Of Nowhere came out when I was young and didn’t want to be in this world. Many songs from that album have become anthems for my life. “With You In Your Dreams” helped me through my grandfather’s passing and I cry every time I hear that song. “Weird” got me through High School because it showed me that everyone is a little weird and that living in a cookie cutter world would be boring. This Time Around came out when I was about to graduate High School and enter the real world. The songs were fun and provided an escape when I needed a break from reality. Underneath an album about the weight of everything crashing down on you and still having the strength to overcome it all was the perfect outlet I needed to overcome the struggles of college and life at the time. The Walk album gave me a new outlook on life. Many of the songs are about finding hope and wanting to change. I was living with my dad at the time and he told me I had to leave and that I had three days to move out. I was mad and sad at first. I didn’t understand why he was kicking me out. I turned on The Walk and the songs gave me such hope that I knew everything would be OK and not even twenty four hours later I had found a new place to live with wonderful roommates. Shout It Out was there when I was going through a divorce and becoming a new mother. The songs provided the joy I needed to believe that I could be a single mother and that I didn’t need anybody to help me. And finally, Anthem came at a time when I was feeling confident about my life, and the album provided the joyful music I needed.

Going to a Hanson show is like coming home because the fan community is home. All of us fans have grown up with the music and each other. The journey begins long before the lights go down, when tickets go on sale. My friends and I all make plans to buy tickets and discuss which shows we are going to attend. The day starts early as Hanson fans are known for lining up early and camping out on the sidewalk. I know that sounds terrible. WRONG! Camping out on the sidewalk brings us fans together. The camping out on the sidewalk is always a highlight for me; I get to catch up with all my friends I only see when Hanson go on tour. Together, we share stories of past concert experiences and the excitement and anticipation of the show to come. We make new friends and strengthen the bonds with the ones we already have. The fans have come together and started a number system for while we are waiting in line. We put numbers on our hands so that we can come and go from the line and not lose our place. While standing in line I have seen some unusual things. I was once handed doughnuts by a stranger. A homeless girl asked us if were homeless or if we were just mocking the homeless.

One of my favorite stories took place in Seattle in 2008 on “The Walk Around The World Tour” when I had won the role of fan club reporter for the show. The fan club reporter gets to interview the band, take pictures of the show and, when it’s all over, write a review which is then posted on Hanson’s website. I found out months before the show that I had won and was shocked. I never thought in a million years that I would have been given the opportunity to meet Hanson. I even doubled checked the e-mail to make sure that it was supposed to be sent to me. Someone on Hanson’s team chooses ten people to win meet-and-greets from a pool of us who have submit our names. Nine people get regular meet-and-greet passes and one lucky winner gets to be fan club reporter. I was provided with special instructions for the meet-and-greet and interview. I spent several months coming up with questions, which proved to be harder than I thought but, I prepared seven questions and hoped for the best. I was so excited the night before that I only got three hours of sleep and woke up hours before I was supposed to meet my friends at the venue. I showed up to the venue super early in the morning. I was hoping to meet my friends but instead was greeted by a few fans who had showed up just a few minutes before. I knew I had a long day ahead of me and my nerves were already getting the best of me. The nerves only got worse as the day went on. Finally, it was time for the meet-and-greet. I walked in with the other winners and to see Hanson standing only a few feet away from me. I was so nervous but I walked right up to Isaac and shook his hand, then moved on down the line to Taylor, and finally, Zac. The other winners followed suit. We took group pictures and then I was left alone with Hanson. They led me up some stairs to a room with a couch and some tables. I sat down on the couch, followed by Isaac. As soon I sat down I blurted out “Wow the couch is more comfortable than the sidewalk.” I got the most confused look from Isaac as he said “I hope so.” I was so embarrassed, and I’m sure my face turned multiple shades of red. I managed to compose myself and finish the interview. Finally getting the chance to tell Hanson how much their music changed my life and getting to talk to them about their music was a surreal moment in my life that I will cherish forever.

Deep down, I knew that Blake and I wouldn’t get along but ignored the feeling because I wanted to go to Hanson Day and needed a roommate. The rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath started the night before I was set to leave for Tulsa. I had started to pack and I had to stop several times to calm down.

After a six hour plane ride I finally made it to Tulsa, OK for my first Hanson Day. Still having some anxiety I wandered outside to meet Blake. We make our way to the hotel and then decide to go explore Tulsa. I remember thinking that Tulsa felt open like the way Montana feels, with big sky and open spaces, despite being a huge city, I never felt like I was in a huge city. The hot sun felt good on my skin and I wished I could have stayed there. Blake and I didn’t make it very far before we got lost and had to use the GPS on our phones to get back to the hotel.

The next day there were band lectures, group pictures, and fan club dinners. The group pictures were first. We waited in line for several hours and the moment I walked into Cain’s Ballroom I felt like a teenager all over again. I barely kept it together. Isaac reaches his hand for me to shake and the minute we touch a feeling of overwhelming excitement runs through me. I am then greeted by Taylor and then Zac and the excitement only gets worse and I almost start to giggle like a schoolgirl. I manage to compose myself and find a place to stand for the photo right next to Zac. The guy taking the picture says smile and then it’s over. I walk back out only to be blinded by the sunlight and thinking OMG I just met Hanson. I then get in another line for the band lectures. The excitement I was feeling only got worse as the hours went by. The time seem to pass slowly and I thought we would never be let in for lectures.

Walking into the ballroom for the lectures, I took a minute to take it all in. Looking around the room and seeing all these Hanson fans in one place was amazing and took my breath away. Everyone was rushing to find seats. It was complete chaos. Taylor’s lecture was titled “Song Stories.” He invited five fans on stage to share their story about a song before telling us his story about the song. The first girl talked about “With You In Your Dreams” and how that song reminded her of her grandmother who passed away. Looking up at stage and listening to the fans tell their stories filled me with a sense of gratitude for the band. Not only for the music, but also for the community and the unspoken understanding we all shared as a fandom. Isaac’s lecture was titled “Inside This Time Around.” He broke down the songs on the album by playing the tracks of each song separately, which gave me a deeper appreciation for the songs. Zac’s lecture, titled “Drop Your Digital Pants”, consisted of him recording a song called “Signs of Life” live on-stage. The lyrics came via suggestions from fans. Zac was having so much dancing and singing on stage and the fans got to sing on the song. Now when I hear the song I get to say I sang with Zac Hanson.

The next day was the member only concert which was the highlight of the weekend. We were treated to rare songs from EPs and fan favorites from albums both past and present. The energy from the band was great and the crowd was equally happy to be there. After the concert, the band hosted an after party where we danced the night away. The last day was the band’s beer and music festival, called “Hop Jam”. There was great music and tons of beer. Hanson also performed a kick-ass show to thousands of people who filled the streets of Tulsa. The energy from the crowd was something I had never experienced before. Standing on the street in Hanson’s home town with thousands of fans from all over world singing and dancing to the music we grew up with is an indescribable moment.

Sitting in Caz’s restaurant, eating dinner during Hanson Day, we turn around to see Taylor attempt to walk down the stairs. He takes the first step and almost falls over. He stops himself, looks around to make sure no one is watching, notices me and Blake, and smiles. He attempts the next step. Not happening. He misses and ends up two stairs down. He takes another look around while Blake and I are laughing so hard. Taylor smiles and tries to go down the stairs again. Still not having any luck he stops again. Blake and I have started to wonder if he was drunk. He makes it down the stairs, walks over to our table, smiles and says “Hello.” As he starts to walk away, Blake stops him and says she has a question. Blake was concerned that her member EP was broken. She starts shaking the cd near Taylor’s ear and says “can you hear that” Taylor gave her the most confused look. Blake continued to shake her CD in his ear. Finally he says “Open it right here and, if it’s broken, I will make sure you get another one.” Blake opens the cd to find it is not broken. Taylor smiles and walks away.

“It’s OK she’s a Hanson fan, everything will be alright,” I said to my family and friends when I decided to go on a week long road trip following Hanson around on tour in 2013 with Michelle who I had met on Hanson.net. My family and friends thought I was crazy but I wanted to see Hanson and nothing was stopping me. Michelle and I had talked online for several months before we met in person.

I walked right up to her and said “Hey” before getting into her car and driving off to find some lunch. That was the most awkward lunch because we didn’t know each other that well and I think we were both a little unsure of how the trip was going to pan out. However, we knew we had an appreciation for Hanson in common, so we talked about them. I had followed the band consistently while she had fallen away from them, always coming back over and over again. She heard they were going on tour and wanted to check them out again. After lunch we started our three hour drive to Portland,OR. We blasted music and sang our little hearts out and laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes. I knew this was going to be start of a wonderful friendship and that this was going to be an epic road trip.

We roll up to her house and crash on the couch, waking up bright and early the next morning. Not wasting any time, we get ready and rush to the venue. It was pouring down rain and , silly us, we forgot the umbrellas. We stand in line for over two hours before it dawns on us go get an umbrella. Right before doors open, a DJ for a radio station rolls up and we start chatting with her. We talk her into giving us meet-and-greet passes that had gone unclaimed by their original winners. The meet-and-greet goes well and the concert was wonderful.

Our trip also took us to Seattle and Vancouver, BC. where the fun didn’t stop. In Seattle, Michelle almost passed out from the heat inside the venue and spent much of the concert outside. Nothing major just a little over-heating. In Vancouver, Michelle lost her car keys and she had to get new keys made. We were stuck in Canada for more time than we wanted but, we made it home in one piece and with newfound friendships.

Today not only marks twenty years of me being a Hanson fan, but twenty years of shouting out loud, building friendships, holding on to the people who really matter, traveling all over the United States, camping out on sidewalks, taking mile-long walks with bare feet, discovering who I truly am, and believing in myself. Hanson’s music not only showed me how to believe in myself but also to passionately love all music, which has helped me discover many wonderful artists. If it wasn’t for Hanson’s music I wouldn’t have believed in myself enough to want to live, and wouldn’t be alive to write this



The room is spinning and my thoughts are scattered.

But I’m standing still.

I try to focus but my vision is blurry

The darkness consumes me yet the light pushes through

never giving up.

Running through mind the thoughts are scattered.

The room is spinning and my vision is blurry

yet I am standing still.

The darkness consumes me yet I see the light.

Everything is clear.








A poem


The days are warm and the nights are cold. 

I am all alone. 

The silence consumes me and fear settles in. 

The cold winds howls and the branches clash. 

Rain beating down. 

The sun rises and the birds chirp.

I am happy. 

There are flowers all around. 

The green grass against my toes, feels so good. 

The hot sun beaming down on me 

giving me life. 

The mountain(flash fiction)


I finally made it to the top of the mountain. Deep blue sky for as far as the eye could see and the warmth of the sun touching down my skin, it felt so good. I even started to smile. But I wasn’t here to smile, I was here to scream. Let’s get this over with. I open mouth and let out the biggest scream, I could hear it echoing off in the distance. Man that felt good. I felt alive and the biggest smile came over my face. I was free.

For years I was the responsible adult who worked too much and did adult things like balancing a check book and grocery shopping with coupons. I could spot the best deals from miles away. Then one day I woke up from a dream and decided I needed a change. I hated my life, it was boring and needed some fun. So I packed a backpack full of everything I might need and got my in car and just drove. I drove until I couldn’t drive any longer and when I stopped to look around, I had driven directly to the mountains.

Quickly getting out the car and trying to focus on the task at hand. My mind was racing with a million thoughts and it was hard to focus. But I had one mission: climb to the top of the tallest mountain and scream.

The climb started out pretty easy with only a few round rocks in the way. As I climbed higher  and higher more and more rocks showed up making it difficult to climb, but I wasn’t going to give up. I was determined to reach the top. I needed to reach the top.

And now that I am standing on the very top and I have let out my scream and I’m feeling alive. I need to do something. I start digging through my backpack to see what I have. I find some chalk. Chalk? What is that doing in there? Oh who cares!  I sit down on the nearest rock and start drawing the mountains and the deep blue skies around me. I haven’t drawn anything in a while an it felt good to be doing something that makes me happy. I finish the drawing and decided to head back down. The climb back down doesn’t take nearly as long as going up did. Once my feet are firmly planted back on the ground, I start to a little sad inside and a few tears roll down my face. I wipe my tears away and start my journey home.

Omg work pt. 3


Tomorrow is that last day we will be open to the public until move into our new building. Its such a bittersweet thing to think about. The doctors office I work at has been at the same building for what seems like forever and now that we have joined forces with the local hospital everything is going to change.

Over the weekend we will be working to be ready to open after the first of the year. We will go live with a new system and we will slowly say good bye to paper charts and start going more electronic. We hope to be able to provide the same high quality service to our patients but every single of us is scared. The providers keep trying to make things as smooth as possible but the stress level keeps rising as we get closer to move day.

I have only been working there for six years but I grew up there because my worked there as the business manager for almost 30 years. I have so many memories of going there as a kid even when I wasn’t sick. And now that I work there and I’m seeing the end I’m experiencing sadness and happiness at the same time. I’m sad because we won’t be the same small company helping the community and so much is going to change. Happy because the changes will be good for us in the long run and not having to deal with paper chars will be a god send.

I’m not fully ready for the change but I know I will get there. Here’s to a new leaf!

A life’s journey


I have told you a little about me in the past but I thought I would share a little more.


I was born in Southern Washington State to a sixteen year old girl. She knew she couldn’t provide a life for me that I deserved so she decided to give me up for adoption. I was adopted by two loving people who lived in Alaska, at the time. Later I found out that my birth mother got to pick the couple and she couldn’t have picked two better people.

Three years later my parents adopted another baby girl and our family grow a little. We moved from Alaska to the Seattle area before settling where I currently live. Growing up in a small town was not something I loved. A place where every body knows each other and knows all your business, not for me.

I remember starting Kindergarten in the middle of year and being scared out of mind. The teacher was mean too. She slapped my hand once because I tried to touch one of those little bells. I soon made friends and school wasn’t so tough anymore. The one nice thing about living in a small town is that some of the kids I met in Kindergarten I still had classes with in High School. It was fun to have known them for all those years.

Right after High School my parents got divorced and my mom got re married. My dad moved away and we tried to stay in touch but now we never talk. Shortly after my mom got re married I moved to the Seattle area and lived with four other roommates in a large house with a goat. I had a blast living there and still miss them to this day.

I had been living on my own for a few years when I met my husband(now ex-husband) at the movies. We soon got married and moved to Southern California since he was Marine at the time. A few years later we had a baby boy and things got sour for us. I moved back home and we got divorced. I lived with my mom and step dad for a while and then moved into a little house to raise my son in.

Now its just me and little man and we are doing great. Watching him grow up has been a journey and there is still more to come. I can’t wait! I love being a mother and wouldn’t change it for the world.

A look back


This time of year I always like to look back at the past year. Here is a recap of my year.

In January I took my son to Disneyland for his sixth birthday. He had a blast and still asks when he is going back.

February brought emergency gallbladder surgery and a three day stay in the hospital. And two weeks at home recovering.

March flew by without a hitch!

In April I saw Paul McCartney in concert! If you haven’t seen him in concert you must go.

In May  I celebrated 19 years of being a Hanson fan and shared memories with fans from the past. And six years of being a mother to the best little boy!

June seemed to fly by.

July was a tough month for work. I wish I could say its gotten better but that would be a lie.

August was filled with more work drama. YUCK!

September was the start of the broadcasting fun! If you haven’t already come check out younow or krue.tv and get in on the fun.

October more broadcasting fun and I get back into blogging.

November I celebrated a birthday, more broadcasting fun and work drama.

December the broadcasting fun still continues, my blog is taking off again and the work drama just won’t go away.

With a week left of 2016 there is still time to create memories. Let’s hope that 2017 brings more joy and happiness.


1,440 hours in my day


I wish there were that many hours in my day. This time of year always sneaks up me. Not that I don’t like looking for for the perfect gift, wrapping presents, making cookies, decorating the Christmas tree and everything else in between. I just don’t ever seem to think about all this stuff months before.

One of these years I really going to start Christmas shopping months before. I know I say it every year and every year I wait until the last possible minute. This year I waited until the last possible minute and I’m not even done yet. Christmas is less then a week away, whatever am I going to do? How about not worry so much about the presents and focus on what really matters, spending time with my family and friends and the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas is a time to be around family and friends enjoying one another. Sharing stories, singing songs or doing whatever makes you happy. Its not about the presents you receive or the presents you are giving or even who has the most presents. Be happy for the small things in life and it will make you love the big things even more.

The Slow Drag


Its really  easy for me to fall head over heels for music because I love it so much and when I find an artist that inspires me I hold on. I did just that three years ago when I discovered The Slow Drag. 

Austin, the sole member of the band has created a sound that is as unique as he is. Each song is an experience which lets you create your own interpretation, which is one of the reasons I love his music so much. I love creating my own connections to songs. Which makes me love the songs even more. 

As much as I love Austin’s music I love his personality even more. He is full of sarcasm, charm and boy is he good lookin. But my  favorite thing about him is his ability to make everyone feel special and that he really gets invested in everyone.  I admire that in him. 

Now back to the music. You wouldn’t think by looking at Austin that he would be into playing pop rock songs. He sports a slammin moehawk and has a unique sense of style. Ok I know what your thinking dont just a book by it’s cover but when I first saw Austin I didn’t expect him to sing and play those types of songs. I was expecting punk or alternative. Needless to say I was surprised. 

The first time I saw Austin was actually when his band Everybody Else opened for Hanson. I didn’t know at the time he was in the band and after that night I sorta forgot about Everybody Else. Then one day I was looking through Facebook and I see my friend talking about this guy named Austin and how she had been to a stageit show. I thought wow that sounds cool so I checked him out. And I fell in love. I have continued to love his music and look forward to many more years.  

The Slow Drag has recently started broadcasting live on serveral broadcasting sites such has younow.com and krue.tv if you want to catch a live show check him out. Just search theslowdrag on those sites.  You won’t be disappointed.